I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
