Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
