Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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