there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
