I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Congratulations! We have a period
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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