Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
