Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Alive.
So much puke
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
