I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You left your phone here
Wait...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
