Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
