my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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