So drunk its hurt
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
