dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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