i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
