Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
