I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
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you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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