If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
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You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
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This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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