Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think a kid would responsible me up
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
