I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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