Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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