I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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