um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
