You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just want nice things and good sex
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
