i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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