Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
