mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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