Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He called his prostate his "boner button".
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I stole a fireplace last night.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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