fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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