I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
