i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here