So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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