I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
bring money and cleavage
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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