it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
