I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
