I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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