woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
