I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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