I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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