So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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