you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
