I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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