in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
