im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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