I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
