That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
