i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
