finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
