What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
