you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
