dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
