I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
