So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
