she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
