I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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