Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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