I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
