4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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