HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
