Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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