If i come over, it means nothing
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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