If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
