make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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