Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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