I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
