I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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